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The Best Pirate Jokes on the 7 seas. (updated 2023)

I have gathered some of the best pirate jokes for kids inspired by ‘The Ship of Shadows’ by Maria Kuzniar.

Some of these you may have came across already and there may be some pirate jokes here that haven’t yet crossed your humourous little eyes… YET.

And I apologise in advance because almost all of these pirate jokes are beyond terrible.

Have fun 🙂

Stoomio pirate jokes

Ok first off let’s get all the ‘aaarrrrrrrrr’ pirate jokes outta the way…

What kind of sweaters do pirates wear?
Aarrrrr-gyle sweaters

Why did the pirate go on holiday?
Because they needed a little aarrrr & aarrrr.

What’s a pirates favourite element?




Why are so many pirates existential philosophers?
They just aarrrrrrrr.

Why did the pirates get divorced?
Because they were always AARRRRRguing.

Why couldn’t the 11 year old see the pirate movie?
Because it was rated AARRRRR

How do pirates know they exist?
They think, therefore they aarrrrr!

What’s a pirate’s favourite kind of food?

How do you save a dying pirate?

Why did the pirate go to school?
To improve her aarrrrrrrrrrrrrticulation!

What do you call a pirate who loves to knit?
A Yarrrrrn-lover!

Why did the pirate join a choir?
He loved singing in “arrrrrrrrrrrmony”!

Well that’s enough of the aarrrrr’s I think. Oh -You want some more Pirate Jokes??? Ok then…

3.14% of sailors are Pi Rates.

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?  
Because they can spend years at C!

What did the first mate see down the toilet?  
The Captains log!

How much does it cost a pirate to get their ears pierced?
‘Bout a Buccaneer.

How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheap?
It was on sail.

What’s a pirates least favourite vegetable?

What’s a pirate’s favourite exercise?
The Plank!

What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all their limbs?
A rookie

How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!

What is a blunt pirate sword called?
A Cut-Less

What did the pirate say on their 80th birthday?
Aye Matey!

Why did the pirate put tape on the squid?
Because she was afraid it was kraken!

Why couldn’t the pirate play poker?
She was standing on the deck!

What’s a pirate’s favourite genre of music?
Rum & Bass!

What’s a pirate’s favourite music key?
Sea Shark

What has 8 arms and 8 legs?
8 Pirates!

Why do pirates leave the bathroom angry?
Because after the ‘p’ has gone they just become ‘irate’.

How do pirates raise their children?

Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

What did the pirate say when he saw his little sister coloring?
“Shiver me timbers, ye be drawin’ a fine line there!

Why did the pirate refuse to play cards?
He was standin’ on the deck!

What do ye call a pirate with a rubber peg leg?
A bouncy Buccaneer!

What’s a pirate’s favorite type of treat?
Sea-salted caramels!

What do pirates use to clean their ships?

Now how do you fancy some looonnnng pirate jokes?? Like seriously long, longer than a long thing on national long day!

A pirate comes into his favorite bar after a long time away at sea, asks for some rum. The bartender says sure, but asks “Why do you have a peg leg?” “Ah, that, a cannon ball took it off and our doc’ if that’s what ye can call em wasn’t able to save it” The bartender then asks “Why do you have a hook for a hand?” “We we’re slaughtering the sailors of the ship we were salvaging, and one got a lucky slice in”. The bartender then asks “And why the eye patch?” The pirate says “The captains damn parrot shit in it” The bartender asks “How can bird shit take your eye, did it get infected?” “Nay” says the pirate “It ’twas the first day with the hook.”

So a pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices that the pirate has a ship wheel coming out of his pants. Out of curiosity the bartender asks the pirate “you are aware that there is a wheel coming out of your pants right?!?” To which the pirate replies “ayyyy it be drivin’ me nuts”

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to her First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”. The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”. The battle was on, and once again the Captain and her crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the women sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”. The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you women will continue to fight unafraid”. The women sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a leader.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The women became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!!

Do you have any pirate jokes for kids you’d like to share… please leave it in the comments! I can’t wait to read ’em.


You are all creative. You are all talented. Every single one of you reading this right now has the ability to do great things. You are so many things. But the one thing you are not is alone. My aim is to bring people together through a love of books and this site is my way of doing just that. Welcome to Stoomio.

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